You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize