She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There's always time for handjobs
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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