Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
