So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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