I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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