god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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