The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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