Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
