I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
