I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
