Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize