i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
