i may or may not be watching the land before time
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize