a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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