Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize