apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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