Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
