I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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