As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
