I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
