wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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