Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
