so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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