dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
