Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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