Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
worst night to have a conscience
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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