There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
