The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
