I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
