Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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