I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
