I wish I could punch you in the face.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
