I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
