First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I will pee on everything he values.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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