My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
