u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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