just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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