dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
