I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize