That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
