Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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