I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
