The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
