Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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