the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
