i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
