oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
