youre lurking in front of me
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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