So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
