Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
