theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
