It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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