When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
