it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
