another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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